Compulsory and involuntary shopping, walking, and cutting my hair. These things are the core of my character, the basis of my humanity and my role within society. Creative output is as important as these but not as necessary, maybe more instinctual and natural, yet is a distraction from my consumeristic lifestyle. 

I must shop or I’ll drop! I want chickens someday and that involves a rural kind of existence with a car and dirt road and Mountain View and small garden and an old, old house but then where will I shop and to where will I wear my ensembles? I get excited at the idea of chickens and eating their eggs (not them). But I also don’t want to drift from society. Owning land seems like freedom, we are told that it is the symbol of freedom and independence in this nation, however having a a car and relying on this as a form of transportation makes me feel imprisoned.

I think of time I spent with my evil ex boyfriend in rural Massachusetts, confined to weekends of his choices, knowing if I wanted to leave my two feet could only take me so far. I plotted escapes in my head as I laid awake at night, not because i felt threatened (he was not that brand of evil), but because I felt like a zoo animal. Maybe that means I have an over reliance on the state and infrastructure, something that maybe seems antithetical to freedom, or maybe it means I want a smaller community, a life that can bring me endless opportunities within perimeters, and make the shoes I wear the ground I walk on. I’d like to bike to the top and back down again at will. A windmill would be cool too. And a beach.

This brings me to cutting my hair. It’s a compulsion above all others. If I deny other forms of creation in my life at least I force myself to wear a creation on my head every day. It gives me credibility as a creative even if i haven’t done anything of worth for years. A signature look, out of my control. I cannot put the scissors down. I gave them to my roommate yesterday so he could hide them from me. Long hair signals freedom to me. All of my lovers have long hair, their one unifying quality. My hair is a prison of my design. Yeah. I cut it myself thank you very much. Contradiction keeps things interesting at least.